TAB

Thu, 19 Nov 2009 15:52:21 GMT

I miss June...July...even August.

I'm losing myself.

Between the divorce...lack of any social life or significant other...I just found out a coworker from my previous job passed away. The second coworker to die in 10 months.

They were both 26. So fucking young.

I feel like people...things are falling apart around me.

All I have is me and my job.

I guess that's all I need. Myself. Gotta start saving money so I can get out of here.

This house is haunting me.

I miss August, upbeat, take no shit Tabitha.

Voice like a Bell

Wed, 18 Nov 2009 23:51:07 GMT

try as I might I cannot forget
try as I might I cannot love you less

say how long you'll stay
wrapped up in the hour
marking off the days

maybe we both knew it at the time.

Anything is possible.

Tue, 17 Nov 2009 23:03:23 GMT

I look to the future with optimism.

I just want to survive this winter.

It's been a rough year. I'm suprised I've made it this far.

Too much in such little time. But what doesn't kill us only makes us stronger.

Everything in life is WORK. Want to keep up with that body? Be successful at work? Get all A's? Maintain a great relationship? It's all work. Hard work...but it pays off.

I never stick around to see gratification...which is why I feel like nothing good happens to me. I overwork myself at first...then give up. Stop, girl. Take it slow...do what you need to do...nothing more, nothing less.

I hope the store is successful. I cannot become distracted.

This winter will be fucking hard. I need a clear and level head...stand up straight and be proactive...I need to have fun as well.

Things to smile about...

I have to start saving money to move out of my parents house soon. I keep saying it...but I must start before its too late. I'm not complaining. I was a wreck at first...now I just want to live my life...."do my thing."

Got my gym membership back. Excited about going...but I lost my combination lock...gotta find it...been working out at home in the mean time...feels great. I feel alive..energetic. Plus a decent workout with some bitchin tunes is a sure stress reliever.

Wanted to buy a violin...but I need to save money...maybe I can work it out.

Still have a chance to get a bartending job...have some fun...make more money...which I'm going to need soon. Perhaps I will go back down to school and brush up on my skills this week. It's so much fun!

Been reading a lot more. I made my own reading list..."The Books I didn't read in High School because I cut too Much Class" HAHAHA! Hilarious.

So far I've read the Five People You Meet in Heaven and now I'm reading the Stranger. Great so far. Not many people like Mitch Albom but I really enjoyed the book...reminded me a lot of the Carousel by Richard Paul Evans, my favorite book so far...almost the same theme.

Time for:

Paperwork
Cook Dinner
Perhaps a movie or a little bit of TV time
Laundry
Crunches

Who the fuck wants to read about my boring life? HAHA

City this week. Maybe I'll visit my UO friends, get those Diana pictures developed.

Chronicles of Terabitha Turchio. Go ahead and laugh.

Work tomorrow...

Amends. (October 2009)

Tue, 17 Nov 2009 22:44:49 GMT

I tried falling asleep alone. The rain pitter pattering at my window. I look at the time, shut my eyes..open my eyes. It took only one minute to put myself in your shoes. You must be falling apart. How could I be so numb to your pain? I picture you doing the same...trying to fall asleep alone, reaching across to the other side of the bed to someone who isn't there anymore. Indifference turns to empathy...empathy turns to sympathy. You pain turns into my pain and I am sorry.

Is satisfaction really the death of desire? We all desire that of which we cannot possess and when we obtain it we want to destroy it. Then when its at the bitter end we realize it was a satifaction that can never be replaced. Panic ensues and you won't give up without a fight.

Find out what you are passionate about...writing...knitting...playing music..skating...

Discover what you love keep it and let it go...but don't ever take it for granted. You may never get a second chance.

Time can heal all.
Time can be your best friend or your worst enemy.

Californication inspires me.

Tue, 17 Nov 2009 22:38:30 GMT

"Anxiety is part of creativity; the need to get something out, the need to be rid of something or to get in touch with something within." - David Duchovny

Divorce

Tue, 17 Nov 2009 22:37:09 GMT

The sacrifices we make.

A sudden feeling of displacement. Where am I? Who am I? I feel the earth beneath me shake, start to crack and I'm just barely hanging onto the cliff that was once my street. My home. My road. Home. It's not a house or the things that fill it. I can't seem to put my petite finger on it. I do recall a feeling...a sense of home in my childhood, which is now a blue or summercamp, candy, toys, and Saturday morning cartoons.

We still think we are invincible. Certain things don't affect us. We are immune to the pains of reality. I thought I abandoned the idea of immunity when high school ended along with my teen angst. Wrapped up in the trials and challenges of daily routine and a jagged boulder lands in our path. Everything you know will change.

All I want to do is pick a handful of sunflowers on the side of the road and keep them on my window sill to remind me of better days.

As humans we always want to salvage what is important to us, hold it close. After much time of reflecting an epiphany occurs. Our minds and hearts open up and we give it our all...when its too late.

It takes certain rare occurrences to reach this epiphany.

Cryptic Shit (old)

Tue, 17 Nov 2009 22:25:20 GMT

shut my eyes to dream, a momentary slumber, abruptly awakened...a digging pain surges through my breast plate. reconstruction: commenced. cloaked in gold. be careful with this one...its all you have

I tried falling asleep, alone..the rain pitter pattering at my window. Look at the time..shut my eyes...open my eyes...took one minute to put myself in your shoes..you must be falling apart...How could I be so numb to your pain? I picture you doing the same...trying to fall asleep alone...reaching across to the other side of the bed to something that's not there anymore...Indifference turns to empathy. I am sorry.

Big girls don't cry
don't sweat the small stuff.
Phrases sold on t-shirts and coffee mugs, now stamped on my forehead...
poster girl for optimism..
it's the rhythm in my step these days.
Traded my adolescent fairytales for monotonous slogans. I feel apathy..correction, I do not feel.
Feelings are insignificant.
I do not believe in _insert overused four letter word_. Attachment - I detach myself from the concept

they don't sell heart armor at the market down the street, either way i've invested my last piece of currency in bandages.

i tramped an hours long journey home in the early morning. i saw the leaves turning and thought "how relevant.

August - September 2009

Tue, 17 Nov 2009 22:22:54 GMT

For the first time in my life I feel...detached...from everything...I have no job, no love, no close friends...just family. Not even a dollar bill in my pocket. Weightless.

This change in the wind could carry me away to a beautiful place.

I long to start anew somewhere else.

Almost strange that I feel life exists somewhere else..like I am missing out and its carrying on without me. Must be my lack of travel. I have the strongest desire to just pick up and go. I can often relate to a sad marionnette. Long strings attached to the hands of a person, constantly in control of my actions, my words, my life. Unexpectedly caught in a tree during a storm, broke free. "Now what" the curious marionnette asks, looking to the sky and the open road.

The possibilities are endless..so where do I begin?

Without a map....no compass. North, South, East, and West - the open road calls my name.

August 2009

Tue, 17 Nov 2009 22:16:59 GMT

Sometimes my dreams haunt me. They show me things I cannot have. Everything feels so real. Things I can see, hear, feel, touch. I open my eyes...awake and everything disappears. Like some cruel joke, as if my mind is pointing directly at me, laughing maniacally.

The sub-conscious? Friend or foe?

"Life is like a carousel" - It goes around and around up and down. You meet different people along the way...each having an impact on your life...for a day...a minute...a week...a lifetime. The quote sticks out in my mind like a sunflower in a field of weeds.

Sleepless. Another night of restlessness I quit my job two days ago. Many thoughts plague my mind. I have a job interview tomorrow at 12pm. Will I get the job? Will I wake up in time? Should I get coffee? What should I wear? Seemingly stupid questions, yet common and human. Anxiety, how I loath you. You would laugh...but I cried after I quit my job. I called my boss gave her my resignation, clear and concise. She said..."ok". Wonderful to feel needed if you sense my sarcasm. Didn't even put up a fight. Just another brick in the wall at a dead end job.

A monkey can sell clothes.

22 years old. For the first time in my life I feel like an adult. You think that once you throw your graduation cap in the air, start college, or make your first car payment, that you're automatically an adult. "Adult" is not achieved through a major milestone...it is not an "age". The past experiences I've dealt with this year, have molded me, changed me. There's been a shift in the direction the wind is blowing. I'm not going to bore you...between a possible engagement, my first apartment, losing a wonderful friend...this year has been difficult.

I want to say I've completely lost myself..but I don't know who I am.

Half the time I can't tell the difference between being asleep or awake. Ever since I BARELY graduated high school I've been been in a "mind purgatory". If that makes any sense. Wake up, go to school, go to work, go to sleep, Wake up half asleep, drop out of school, get drunk...go to work hungover...go to sleep..sleep all day. Wake up quit my job...go back to school...get a new job...Cycles. Carousels. Round and round. Meaningless cycle continues. Until what? What am I waiting for? What are WE waiting for? A shift in the wind...

Old...

Tue, 17 Nov 2009 21:43:54 GMT

glancing over at the clock 12:02...with uncertainty of what 12:03 will bring....as i carefully count the marshmallows in my mug of hot chocolate, before they melt into a void of sugar and cocoa powder...feels like my mind...dissolving into a void...consumed by never ending contemplation...endless thoughts...daily...is there a god...what is faith, really...ive lost faith in many people...i would say i've lost faith in myself, but such a statement would assume i once had faith in me...am i an adult...my face would deceive you...not a week shy of 16...who has time to think of this shit. what is time...do i really exist...you would think i grabbed a rolled up page of catcher in the rye and snorted a line of question marks...high on possibilities and endless opportunities...dad says i have "too much time on my hands"...perhaps that's exactly the problem...petrified to grab life, hold it upside down and shake everything it possesses from its silver lined pockets, take it and run...stretch it as far as it can go...i wish someone would shake the idealism out of me and replace it with rationality, practicality and simplicity...what is reality...and do we live it..what does it really mean to live life to the fullest...picture it as an orange with only so much juice, until it dries out in the sun...like a "dream deferred"....raisins...oranges...its all the same...is college the answer we're looking for...or does it just bring up more questions...the apple. ..is knowledge the best gift a man/woman could attain...or is it dangerous...is the mind really a beautiful thing...or is it the heart...who ever said we feel with our hearts...maybe we feel with our skin, and love with our minds...Trivial..my marshmallows are gone..tempting to grab another handful...drop them in my half a mug of not so hot cocoa, just to recreate the pleasure of watching them melt and indulging in this cup of sugarcocoapowderglop...pleasure...is pleasure a good thing...or does it leave people constantly wanting...constantly fearing disappointment or a blank mind...why is pleasure not a drug...a box of little sunny yellow tablets on a drug store shelf next to boxes of chocolate and get well cards...printed on the cleverly constructed box, a sun with a smile...with no warning on the box...babbling...12:30 has only brought me deeper into this quest for an epiphany and down to the bottom of my cup of cocoa...no marshmallows...no cocoa....just a mug...with a picture and a humorous phrase to catch the consumer...it was probably a secret santa christmas gift...tomorrow is a new day...curious of what lies ahead...at 21 i feel like i'm constantly searching for something...without even knowing what it is i'm in need of...meaning...truth...inspiration...motivation...connecting with alike minds...inspiration...a creative outlet...electricity. Sleep. Dream...dreamer...in a world of rational, realistic minds...a dreamer is shoved to the side and wears a cone shaped hat with the word "dunce" on it...perhaps its that same childish curiousity...poking a dead squirrel with a stick to see if it will wake up and scurry away...that same curiousity of going into a friend's father's shed, using his paint, and his tools to see if we can really build a go kart out of a winter sled and his little sister's bicycle training wheels...only to watch him receive the beating of his life...kids have the greatest minds...yet everyone wants to be an adult...at what age do you become an adult...the age where you believe that emotions are for teenagers...and life is hard...and love is nothing but a chemical reaction in the brain...or when you finally feel pain...12:46...and i could write forever...words..they're so important..and underrated...misused...like dreams.

Sat, 28 Mar 2009 20:27:14 GMT

I'll be updating regularly again.

Mon, 02 Feb 2009 20:32:27 GMT

dear self

I'm sorry if i ever took you for granted
or made you feel like you weren't good enough

i'm sorry if i ever doubted you
or made you feel like you couldn't do something

i'm sorry if i never told you, you were beautiful
because you are in your own way

i'm sorry we stopped talking a long time ago

you deserve good things
you deserve to be great
you deserve to be loved
you deserve to be a success

Love, Yourself

Get out there and give em hell kid

Sun, 01 Feb 2009 05:45:30 GMT

pensive
like clockwork
words and names
drip from my mind
down to the back of my tongue
but this is where the journey ends
and silence begins
you only hear what you want to hear
from those your heart holds near
and i am so far away
you hold me at arms length
you'd sever your other arm
to push me farther from you

we all desire that of which we cannot possess
and when we obtain it...we want to destroy it.

or self destruct in bottomless bottles and reckless nights
before it takes hold of the soul that carried us here
and mutilates it...to pieces, so we wouldn't be able to recognize it
and we're left to question who we once were and why we were here
in the first place.

in the end we turn cold as the bitter sea
locking up what's left of our ability to feel...and toss away the key
we can't stop this madness
it's all we ever fear
it's a war that we'll never win
pain is
INEVITABLE.

do not mistake my awareness for pessimism.

Sun, 01 Feb 2009 05:42:26 GMT

blah blah

Failed attempts. Useless. Sleep won't come.
I surrendered these green eyes to the night.
choked in my short lived slumber,
to pull a broken stitch out from my invaded mouth
Skin pale, eyes widen with disbelief
How could this be?
the glistening silver thread quickly recognized.
My heart's silver lining.
many times stitched over...like a young girl's raggity old quilt.
Tattered, young yet so old.
many colored threads
stitch over stitch
reopened, closed, and opened again.
Listless....still beating.
it's perseverance, admired.
a soldier in a never ending war,
Survival becomes the only victory.

The heart does endure but the will and strength to offer it surely dies. Loves becomes nothing more than a chemical reaction. Physical pleasures and lust become the only "connection" to another, as we quickly grow from bedtime stories of princesses and frogs.
Love becomes nothing more than 4 letters next to one another. In the dictionary, the word "love" resides between lovage (an herb) and lovebird (an affectionate parrot)...Is this what we place so much value on? A W-O-R-D. No different from any verbal vomit carelessly sprayed from lips of naive dreamers. Bouncing off tongues like rubber balls we dribbled at an age where the only love we knew was the love for our dolls, fireworks, GI Joes and Saturday morning cartoons with Dad.

My mind...it frequents this topic.
You've probably read this same rambling from me.
It's no matter.

days off are wonderful.

Mon, 09 Jun 2008 18:55:58 GMT

Walked up my steps around noon to check on my sunflowers.

Yes, I started planting, gardening...whatever you wanna call it. It's peaceful and it's relaxing. Plus my sunflowers are like my little babies...except they're not growing yet, and they live in a silver bucket.

Today is my day off from work.

Laid out in the backyard for less than an hour...you couldn't tell though...still white as a ghost lol...i guess i got a "TINT" of color hahahahaha.

Work is great. I love my job...been working hard....love my coworkers...might be moving from Cashwrap Team to Women's Accessories..I have to find and train people to replace me first. FUN! I wanna be department manager one day =)

Been playing bass again. Finally picked up a Bass "Manual"...been learning the notes, techniques and so on. WAYYYYY BETTER than fckn online bass tabs. I even sound better too. I'll keep at it...takes stress off to play again <3 Gonna trade in my 1/8 violin for a 4/4 soon too.

With hopes of starting a band again.

I miss my bike. The front tire's been fucked up...haven't replaced it since the Hub Station went out of business and moved =(...been to lazy...wanna head to that antique market off of Houston...get a Schwinn...maybe give mom my Huffy.

Which reminds me...Why do I keep putting off my road test?? lol (love my bike too much?)

Got one grade back from school. SOCIOLOGY - B minus

Not complaining at all!

OH YEAH. Started looking at engagement rings with Matthew...we went to Tiffany's...funny thing, I couldn't find anything I REALLY liked...the diamonds were beautiful though. If he gets the job at courts we might move to Brooklyn...if he gets Nassau we'll move to L.I.

We'll see.

The Strokes - Room on Fire album was SOOO worth $13

I'm a trader to UO....I like Anthropologie better <3 lmao (well their housewares anyway)

Bought a Diana replica from my store. SO PRETTY this camera is. I gotta pick up film so I can start shooting. And I gotta get my freakin digital camera fixed.

Many things to be excited about.

Mon, 07 Apr 2008 20:58:21 GMT

Not quite alone, not quite in company.
Not quite with you, though so unwithout you
I try not to say too much, feeling distanced.
I try not to say too much, the distance destroys what I am.
Just so you know. (just so you know) I just plain stopped trying.
Just so you know. (just so you know) I made up my mind and
Not quite myself, not quite anyone
Not quite in love, yet drowning in your love.
Your love drowns out who I am.
Just so you know, (just so you know)
I just plain stopped trying.
Just so you know, (just so you know)
I made up my mind and...
I don't feel alive, at all. (I don't feel at all)
I don't feel alive at all.

Home.

Mon, 10 Mar 2008 12:10:55 GMT

You could probably fry eggs off my head.

Home from work
Home from school

Sick.
Exhausted
Wearing thin.

I knew I was scheduled for too many hours at work.

Sun, 09 Mar 2008 01:50:50 GMT

I am never eating at Perkins ever again.

I am never eating shrimp again.

Food poisoning?

Influenza?

who knows?

I just want to crawl into bed

Wed, 05 Mar 2008 13:48:34 GMT

::phew::

As if Sunday was bad...which it wasn't now that I look back on it...just intimidating.

Monday work and school were good. I love Whitney! She's helped me a lot...I learned a lot on Monday my first closing.

Yesterday was ridiculous!!!!

So I made plans with Matt to get coffee and bfast before I catch the boat (11am) around 10am...he fell asleep...didn't get to my house until like 10:53...a water bottle spilt in my bag all over everything, fucked up my cell phone...I had no money on my metrocard...no money period except whatever little amount on my credit or debit card...I had a bagel the whollllllllle day for food until I got home...And of course I left all my "lady sticks" in my other bag...AND to put the cherry on the sundae....I was 22 min late for work. That's fckn embarrassing. I HATE BEING LATE. I'm usually early...well now I know not to make plans with Matt before work. And to not rely on anyone but myself

I miss him though....I miss his bed.

Random....I never knew how good the lyrics were to Screaming Infidelities hahah

Today I'm off from work...WHEWWW I get a break, I gotta study for my midterm tonight...catch up on some sleep...I was supposed to get a haircut today but I'm short on cash.

shitty day so far

Mon, 03 Mar 2008 13:00:49 GMT

I just want to go back to bed...been feeling this way for about 1 1/2 weeks...feel like I wanna cry.

PMS has got the worst of me.

Yesterday they kept me until 5 at "work". Threw me on register on a busy weekend day with 2 hours of "basic" training. I hate being new. I hate not knowing things or my way around...

I miss being a manager. =(

No money....forgot wallet at home...I guess I'm not eating today...got work 4-cl right after school.

Tomorrow work 12-8.

Saturday couldn't come sooner.

Sun, 02 Mar 2008 11:59:08 GMT

::yawwwwwwwwwwwwwwn::

Yeh gotta go to Orientation soon...9-3...shouldn't be too bad...filling out tonssss of newhire paperwork...then I gotta come home and read...study...write papers etc etc.

It looks like a nice morning....but it's prob freeezinggg out...figures the last month of winter and NOWWWWWWW it's freezing.

Gonna get a hair cut on Wed...chop more layers and angles in myy hairrr. It's funny once you start HATING your hair style...it's time for a haircut...

Need money.
Need to pay my bills.

And the next time anyone in my family including my boyfriend tries to shove a hamburger or piece of bacon in my face I'm going to flip out. I don't try to force vegetarianism on anyone...so don't rub MEAT in my face.

What have youuuuuuuu been up to?

Sat, 01 Mar 2008 14:45:27 GMT

It's funny I looked to update this thing and the last time I had updated it was exactly one year ago.

So yesterday I had register training at the store...from 8-10...met some nice people...exctied about starting work! On Sunday I have to go for Orientation. We'll see how everything goes...next week should be a "tight squeeze"...I work 5 days next week =(...PLUS SCHOOL. shieeeeeeeeet. I think I'll survive.

Today...I should do some school work today...It's beautiful outside though =(

Maybe I'll ride my bike around or something.

Can't wait to make money...Can't wait to pay my bills!

Can't wait for that UO DISCOUNT!!!!

Recently I became a vegetarian...1 month ago...mostly for animal cruelty and health reasons...When I was a kid I used to skeeve meat...I used to hate chewing meat...I grew out of it...then as I got older, I started to hate meat again...stopped eating it gradually...until I was just down to chicken...now I'm a lacto-ovo vegetarian...sooner or later I might go vegan...I'm getting there. My digestive system has been better off.

Spring is coming around again...gonna start getting my run on. I wish I still played soccer.

Matt and I are good...still going strong...2 years, 3 months...

And I'm 21...I can finally stroll into a deli and grab a 40 oz no problem lol. My 21st bday was the shit..went out with Holli and Matt to a bunch of spots.

Quit Charlotte Russe in November...I decided to go back to school...Good decision on my part. Got a new job on Broadway in the city...so glad to get out of SI...in the OCCUPATIONAL and SCHOOL area. It's been fun meeting up with Nicki by Canal for lunch.

Making new friends at school...my English class is the shit.

I started riding a bike. I got it for $10 at a yard sale...in pretty good condition. It feels so awesome to just get on and ride anywhere you want...without polluting the air, worrying about parking, tickets, or bridge fare...I can just ride on the ferry and take it to the city...over the Williamsburg or Bayonne Bridge...I feel so free with my bike...can't wait until it gets warmer...I'll be taking it to work up the West Side bike path...hell yeahhhhhhh.

Um...if you haven't seen me in a while...I got my nose pierced, 2 new ear piercings, and I have 4 tattoos lol...

I DO feel like I'm changing...for the better...I've prob changed more in the last six months than I have since I got out of high school. I'm learning more in school and more about myself and my values and morals...I never used to give a shit about politics...now I'm more politically aware.

I just want to escape this Staten Island boring bubble and be OUTSIDE of the box. And continue to do what I want to do...=)

My twin and I are becoming more TWIN-ISH the older we get..we went out separate ways in high school...now we're drifting back...becoming more and more alike...and closer...although we still fight and I'll call her a nasty bitch and she'll call me a cun-.....yeh you get it.

...I guess this is growing up...

I'm gonna head to the store and pick up some tomato soup and bananas..mmmmmmmm...maybe I'll make grilled cheeseeeeee

Thu, 07 Sep 2006 19:33:10 GMT

So Six Flags was closed today...we might go this weekend instead...

I got my belly button repierced today...ahhhh it looks cute...gotta take extra special care of this one.

We might go to the movies tonight...Sweet...

Mon, 21 Aug 2006 19:29:52 GMT

I don't feel like myself at all.

This job is ROBBING me of myself. I loathe and despise E-Zpass. Oh sure the money is good. But that's about it.

Scenario

You have your period. You're crampy, tired, and you wanna cry about everything. It's 7 am and you just wanna go to bed because your head is pounding...then a customer calls about a violation....He won't let you talk and he's catching an attitude with you for something HE did...and when u try to talk to him he tells you you're "attacking" him and you're very "rude" and he wants to speak to your supervisor...all because you tried to tell him why he received the violation.

FUCK THIS. My happiness is worth more than a good paycheck. Superior Staffing Services suck balls anyway...they don't know what they're doing.

I started looking for another job. Ever since I started this shit job I've been so miserable...even my boyfriend notices...

I sit right under the air conditioning vent...so I'm constantly getting sick...but I can't call out at all or else I'd get fired...fuck that...everyday, the same bullshit...someone wants to argue and fight with you over something they did or didn't do....staring at gray cubicle walls 6 days a week....OMG...I can't do this anymore...

I wanna move in with Matt, but I also wanna have SOME sanity left.

Sun, 20 Aug 2006 22:37:50 GMT

He changed my life.

....for the better....<3

I'm so in love with my boyfriend. I can't wait to start my life....next to his side.